When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina and a mommy/wife when I grew up. As I entered into middle school, it was a tie between teacher and a writer; oh, and a mommy/wife. When I started high school and felt like I had the world at my finger tips, I wanted to be a traveling photojournalist for National Geographic magazine and a mommy/wife. In college I wanted to be a successful woman in the Child Development field helping children and finger painting; oh and don’t forget a mommy/wife. Well, now I’m almost twenty-five and I’m a mommy and a wife. But what about the first part? There is nothing I love more than spending my day with beautiful baby boy, and count it an amazing blessing that I am able to stay home with him. My husband works harder than any one man should work to make sure we have everything we need and more. I know that I could be better at expressing my appreciation to him. He has single-handely created a wonderful life for us and for that I am eternally grateful.
So why am I restless and seeming to go through a quarter life crisis?
For the first time in my life I have only one thing, one role that I’m pouring myself into: wife and mommy. Don’t take me wrong, this is my first and most important role. I know I’m still new at this whole house wife, stay at home mommy thing, but I do believe I’m going crazy. My schedule has always been stuffed to the rim like a fat Thanksgiving turkey. Working three jobs, being a full time student, volunteering at this church event or another and having a pretty packed social calendar kept me busy. But was I happy? I know I was exhausted! And yet I loved it.
Now as I introduce baby to the world, I’m home a lot more. People tell you the entire nine months of your pregnancy that things will change when you have a baby, but you really don’t understand that until you actually have the bouncing bundle of joy in your arms. I want to be there for him first and foremost, but what can I do for myself?
I’m not saying I need to be a high powered business woman or a crazy socialite with exactly three hours of sleep a night, but I need to do something. I believe that I’ve always had great ideas, but because I tend to be a perfectionist, I don’t act on them for the fear of failing.
Just a side note: I’m not leaving out my faith in Christ because I don’t think it’s important or that I’ve forgotten it, but God is working in my life right now. I don’t know what it looks like right now, other than a mess. But I believe I’m a beautiful mess, being changed in His faithful hands.
Here is a quick list of things that I think I could do:
Get a part time job doing something I love
Start an event planning business
Open a boutique
Open a tea room
Write a book (subject unknown)
Go back to school
Volunteer
Totally immerse myself in being “the crazy plate lady”
OK, so now what. As of this very moment, November 13, 2010 at 2:00pm, I’m going to wait. Wait on Christ. I’m going to be happy being a mother to my adorable son and a wife to my amazing husband. It won’t be a unproductive, lazy wait. I will try different things. I will volunteer here and there. I will keep my eyes, ears and heart open to the path that God may have for me. I am going to stop trying to control my life. I am going to work on getting rid of my fear of failing. I am going to enjoy every moment God gives me and I am going to trust that HE knows what He is doing.
Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out.
